one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
