my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
you inspire me to be a worse person
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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