Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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