I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize