Whats the glycemic index on semen?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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