this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
