Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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