Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
