The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You're like the curious george of whores
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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