Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
