oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
