i love accidental penises.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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