Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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