True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
