fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
