Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
