a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
