help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
