I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
