I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
