I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
