T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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