Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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