so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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