i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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