Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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