I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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