I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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