She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
