Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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