WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Randomize
