i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We need to rekindle our bromance
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
