omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Send help, water and tortillas.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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