Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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