I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
