Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just pee around me
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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