I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
