Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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