I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
