i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
