I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
