every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
