I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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