Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
