on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize