You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
