Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
