is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
