the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
