I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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