If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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