Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
