I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
