Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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