So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
