if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
