Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
i think i just lost a toe
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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